Saturday, June 26, 2010

An Apartment Story (or Why The Bastard And I Have Horrible Luck With Neighbors)

This will probably be the longest post I will ever write on this blog. Maybe I should write more so all this won't be pent up to the point were it comes shooting out in the form of keyboard diarrhea.

The Bastard and I have lived in quite a few humble abodes. When we first moved in together, we were renting a shitty little apartment that had a leaky ceiling in the bathroom because our upstairs neighbor didn't believe in shower curtains. Our neighbors across the hall had already filed bankruptcy before they'd reached the legal drinking age and the guy next to them was the worst pot dealer that ever lived. At least, he claimed to deal, but I think he just smoked his entire inventory at wholesale prices.

After that, we both moved in with our respective parents for time, only his parents were 1000 miles away in another state. I joined him out there about a year later and we rented this delightfully petite townhouse in Houston. At least, we thought it was delightfully petite at first. We soon found out that it was just fucking small and difficult to furnish. It also had a ghost that would fall down the stairs around 11:30 every night, turn off our TV randomly after that time, and scare the hell out of the cats. One time the bastard said, "Hmmm, maybe he's falling down the stairs because he can't see!" We shrugged and decided it wasn't the dumbest theory either of us had come up with. So, the Bastard turned on a lamp, whose light bulb promptly blew. We spent the night at IHOP. Shortly thereafter, I ended up talking to empty stairs every day when I got home from work just to get him to shut the hell up. If I forgot, he'd come back with a fucking vengeance that night.

Our next apartment was across the street in a better-managed complex. At least, it was until after the first time we renewed our lease. We were on the top floor of a 2-story building, so we no longer worried about neighbors above us. However, the apartment below us had to have been cursed. Every person who moved in there by themselves either moved in or got evicted within 3 months. Every couple that moved in there would scream at each other like banshees and eventually be evicted for causing the cops to come out there too many times. We also had a neighbor that came to one of our parties one time, then wouldn't leave us alone for weeks after that. I understand the guy was lonely, but knocking on our door 10 times a day is a little excessive. He also had an on-again-off-again marriage with a woman half his size that would beat the shit out of him. Guys, as much as violence against women disgusts me, if a woman is actively trying to claw your face off, as in drawing blood to the point where you may need stitches, it's ok to restrain her. Really. It is.

After this, we stayed with the Bastard's parents for awhile, who had since moved back to our home state. While this wasn't the ideal living situation, the Bastard's parents are awesome. I totally lucked out in the in-law department. But two people and two cats can only live in a 12' x 12' for so long without going batty, so as soon as we were out of the massive pile of debt we'd buried ourselves under, we got the apartment we're living in now.

At first, it seemed great. Then, after a couple weeks, we realized that our neighbors across the hall were getting a LOT of visitors. At night. And they would only stay for a few minutes. They also mostly looked like one of these variations:

Can you guess what they were selling? At least they weren't cooking it - the weather seals around the doors and windows of this building aren't good enough to keep out that kind of smell.

Apparently we weren't the only ones who caught on to their stupidity. They lasted for about 3 months until they got arrested, their car was impounded, and they were kicked out of their apartment. We got to watch the maintenance guys dump all their stuff in the parking lot. They had some great over-stuffed leather furniture. Unfortunately, according the maintenance guys, it all smelled like a combination of cigarettes, pot, and meth so it all went to the dump.

The two apartments below us were empty when we first got there. Shortly before Dumb and Dumber across the hall were evicted, some 20-something guys moved in below us. They looked like frat boys. They were nice guys and all, but slaughtering Metallica on your Rock Band game at 11:30 on a Tuesday night is so not cool. I had to have the Bastard handle that one since I'm not exactly reasonable to deal with when woken up by such defamation shortly after drifting off.

They left less than a year later. Their replacement, a middle-aged guy, and the new tenants in the apartment below them got along a little too well. They would stand outside the bottom-floor apartment with some other neighbors letting small children run wild and laughing their asses off at each other at all times of night. Again, I let the Bastard deal with them as we really don't have the money to bail my ass out of jail, let alone multiple times.

Both of them have moved out recently. Hopefully, these new tenants (who were hanging pictures this morning... loudly...) will be better. But I'm not getting my hopes up. The Bastard's schooling that he starts this fall better pay off because I really need a house!

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