Thursday, July 23, 2009

E-mails from an Asshole

This little gem was brought to my attention today, and while it doesn't fall under the category of "crazy", I knew our readers would highly appreciate the level of snark.

Emails from an Asshole.

You totally want to try it now, don't you?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Lizard People!!!11!!!1!!

You've heard the conspiracy theories. Big corporations run the world. The media controls what we think. The Jews control... well... everything.* But according to David Icke, there's a secret that all these groups are hiding.

All the people in power are reptilian humanoids.

May or may not be an accurate representation of the lizard people.

That's right. All the world leaders, as well as all the heads of banks and the media, are shape-shifting lizard people.

David Icke, former football player for Coventry City and Hereford United, has devoted his life to book signings and speaking tours in order to warn the people about the impending dangers from these nefarious creatures. According to Icke, famous figures such as George (H.W. and W.) Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, and Kris Kristopherson are all descended from shape-shifting reptiles that landed on Earth eons ago. So far, Obama's been determined to not be a lizard person, but merely a "puppet of the Cabal", and his "Science Czar" is apparently trying to sterilize everyone.

How does he know all this? Well, at a press conference in 1991, he stated "I am a channel for the Christ Spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead." So obviously, he knows what he's talking about, right? Right???

Jon Ronson of Britain's Channel 4 did a great bit on him called "David Icke, the Lizards, and the Jews", although after somehow forcing myself to sit through the whole thing, I've gotta say that I think Mr. Ronson focused a little too much on the Jew connection. I think it's pretty clear that when David Icke says that 12-foot shape-shifting lizard people rule the world, he really means that 12-foot shape-shifting lizard people rule the world.

Some people say that he's a con-man, or that he's anti-semitic, but really. Watch the video. He's really that nuts.

*Disclaimer: We here at Don't Poke the Crazy do not subscribe to any of these theories. Quite frankly, we doubt that any group is organized or agreeable enough to actually rule the world. Lizard people included. Although we sincerely hope that they do exist, because that would be awesome.

And now back to your regular programming...

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Sorry for not posting new stuff this weekend. We had some technical difficulties this weekend.

And by technical difficulties, we mean our computer sucks.

However, we promise to bring you new content soon. As in tonight. So stay tuned!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Holy Bandwith Killer!


Before reading any farther, PLEASE NOTE:
***The following blog entry is about Religion**

This site is not here to try and denounce your beliefs or whatever. We're merely here to entertain. We here at Don't Poke the Crazy DO NOT discriminate against ANYONE. We'll make fun of all your religions, regardless of who you are. Cause lets face it, every religious group has their fanatics that even those of the faith want nothing to do with.

With that said, if you are easily offended by pokes at your spirituality, please find something else to do. However, if you're twisted like me, strap yourself in; this is likely to be a LONG post that's a lot of crazy.


I love Conspiracy Theorists. This somewhat small but loud-mouthed group of people have been confusing the world with the unsubstantiated since the dawn of time. Likewise, I love religion! Am I religious? Not in the slightest, but learning the stories and histories behind them can be very interesting. Not to mention the type of control of the masses politicians have wet dreams about. So what happens when you mix conspiracies and religion?


Welcome to the world of HOLY CRAP! (Yes, pun intended!)

First off, you might notice just how big this utter waste of resources is. One massive page with hundreds of other massive pages linking off of it. Who needs frames or a site map when you can overload the senses of your viewers to the point they just randomly click for hours? It happened to me!

Now, don't think bad of me for posting this in the Crazy. Even several Christians I've shown this to have commented about the amount of bullshit on that it's literally making the whole internet stink. But there's several things I've found that I'd like to point out. Don't worry, I'll post links so you don't spend hours trying to find it.

One is the Signs of Satan! What do George Bush, Barack Obama, Spider Man, Metallica, and Helen Keller all have in common? They're all Satanist according to this website. Now come on... The deaf-mute girl and the politicians, I can see that. But Metallica?

*stops head-banging* Now then, check out this page. YES, I will agree that there are several things in Washington DC that are pagan oriented. But really, what in this world ISN'T?!? Ever heard of Christmas? I got news for ya kids, December 25th is the date of the PAGAN HOLIDAY YULE! Not the birth of Christ, which many theological researchers agree was really sometime in the spring/summer. And, since the creators of spent so much time creating imaginary lines, I did a little myself. And look who's in the middle!

BUSTED! It turns out they're really satanist themselves! Explains why they know SO much about it. More so than any other Christian should!

And one final page...hate to tell you, but even if you're Christian you're in trouble....

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Arthur Kade - He's in "The Biz"

This comes from one of our readers. Keeping with the delusions of grandeur, I'd like to present Arthur Kade. Where Florence Foster Jenkins had class and dignity, Arthur has head shots and shitty dance moves.

This blog is full of drivel about how important and well-connected in "The Biz" he is, insights about his therapy sessions, and which girls he would fuck (assuming he could get any at all). Apparently, he's been "at the top" so he obviously knows all about women, right? The Kade Scale, which demonstrates the most shallow method possible by which to judge a woman, has to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Apparently to be a level 10, a woman should be "stripper hot". What the hell does that even mean? And if you're below a nine, you're not even date-worthy. Below a 7? According to Mr. Kade here, you're destined to die friendless and alone.

Oh, and about "all of Hollywood" following his blog? This douche doesn't even have an IMDB page. The guys from Blood Diner have more information on them than this guy.

that Scotch-Irish Bastard: To be honest, I had never heard of him before. But after a quick pole among a few chat rooms and forums, it seems more people know the Scotch-Irish Bastard than know what's-his-name. Does that mean I'm in "the Biz?" That would make a great t-shirt! *copyright*

Monday, July 6, 2009

Now THIS is Perseverance!

This is Florence Foster Jenkins, and although she was definitely a little crazy, I really have to give this woman props. She had some serious balls.

All Florence wanted to do was sing. She begged her dad to send her to voice lessons, which he flat-out refused to finance. She ended up getting married and made a bit of cash by teaching and playing the piano. She and her husband (who was also a big fat killjoy on the singing thing) got divorced in 1902, and when her father died in 1909, she took her inheritance and finally began to pursue her passion...

...which most everyone who heard her agreed that she was terrible at. Wikipedia has an audio clip - seriously. She was bad. Nonetheless, she acknowledged and subsequently ignored criticism, blowing it off as "professional jealousy" and even at one point saying, "People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing." Too true, Florence. Too true.

She gained a following that was both smitten with and amused by her, and in 1944 at the age of 76, she was convinced to perform at Carnegie Hall. You could say the turnout was pretty good for a gal with no pitch, rhythm, or singing talent in general - the concert sold out weeks before the event. A month after the biggest performance of her life, she passed away, presumably with a shit-eating grin on her face. She may have been delusional, but dammit, she was happy!

She's even making a comeback. In 2005, a play called Glorious!opened in London about Florence's life, starring Maureen Lipman as Florence.

With that much delusion and denial, she definitely deserves to be on the crazy list. But damned if I haven't become a little smitten with her myself!

Thanksgiving Crazy

I've recently been introduced to an awesome blog. Like, "Where the hell has this blog been all my life?" kind of awesome. It's called Awkward Family Photos, and today's first entry comes from this site.

Thanksgiving is serious fucking business. Are you confused about how Thanksgiving dinners should be run? Well, Marney is here to the rescue with EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS with the important parts typed in ALL CAPS so you'll be sure to see them.

Feel free to speculate in the comments the following subjects:
  • What Lisa brought last year that indicated that she clearly needed to grow the hell up and start bringing grown up food to family dinners
  • Just how big that blue serving dish was last year
  • Why Amy's family is not allowed to bring pie knives

Friday, July 3, 2009

Leave Britney alone!!!

don't you fret dear readers. we at Don't poke the Crazy haven't forgotten our good friend Chris Crocker.

You all know what this links to.

Really, nothing else needs to be said.

Interweb Personality Disorders

This has everything, and nothing, to do with the Crazy. It's just fucking hilarious.

6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet

Ranch Dressing is Serious Fucking Business

How DARE any member of ANY waitstaff ever forget the CONDIMENTS!

According to Springs131, this is clearly a sign of LAZINESS and is 100% the waiter's fault every single time.

The original post is amazing by itself, but she just keeps coming back for more, even after other members not only point out that she's an infamous troll, but how to find her CRAZY on other forums, too!

~the Bastard: Having been in food service myself, I can honestly say that anyone who bitches at a waiter/waitress needs to step the hell back and think. It's not easy people. Most wait staff are dealing with up to a DOZEN tables at one time, for several hours at a time. Not to mention there's probably 3 different people cooking different parts of your order. Mistakes are going to happen.

If you want 100% food service excellence EVERY time, keep your ass at home and cook your own food. Otherwise, give them a break. /end rant

Don't Poke the Crazy proudly supports wait and kitchen staffs!
Especially since we don't want to do it ourselves.