Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Lizard People!!!11!!!1!!

You've heard the conspiracy theories. Big corporations run the world. The media controls what we think. The Jews control... well... everything.* But according to David Icke, there's a secret that all these groups are hiding.

All the people in power are reptilian humanoids.

May or may not be an accurate representation of the lizard people.

That's right. All the world leaders, as well as all the heads of banks and the media, are shape-shifting lizard people.

David Icke, former football player for Coventry City and Hereford United, has devoted his life to book signings and speaking tours in order to warn the people about the impending dangers from these nefarious creatures. According to Icke, famous figures such as George (H.W. and W.) Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, and Kris Kristopherson are all descended from shape-shifting reptiles that landed on Earth eons ago. So far, Obama's been determined to not be a lizard person, but merely a "puppet of the Cabal", and his "Science Czar" is apparently trying to sterilize everyone.

How does he know all this? Well, at a press conference in 1991, he stated "I am a channel for the Christ Spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead." So obviously, he knows what he's talking about, right? Right???

Jon Ronson of Britain's Channel 4 did a great bit on him called "David Icke, the Lizards, and the Jews", although after somehow forcing myself to sit through the whole thing, I've gotta say that I think Mr. Ronson focused a little too much on the Jew connection. I think it's pretty clear that when David Icke says that 12-foot shape-shifting lizard people rule the world, he really means that 12-foot shape-shifting lizard people rule the world.

Some people say that he's a con-man, or that he's anti-semitic, but really. Watch the video. He's really that nuts.

*Disclaimer: We here at Don't Poke the Crazy do not subscribe to any of these theories. Quite frankly, we doubt that any group is organized or agreeable enough to actually rule the world. Lizard people included. Although we sincerely hope that they do exist, because that would be awesome.


  1. Cool, 12ft lizard people kind of explains Gordon Brown, well sort of, plus a lot of other politicians, but I mean THE QUEEN? politiancs and other pond life I could've accepted, but not HM,she's a tiny wee dut of a woman, that's some serious 80 years plus of shape shifting if she is a a 12ft lizard lady. By the way is there any information as to whether the LP's(lizard people) are knitters?

  2. After extensive research, we have found no mention of knitters as a group being 12-foot shape-shifting reptilian humanoids. Perhaps you should ask this question on Remnants?

  3. My uncle jokes about this constantly. We live in Salt Lake and apparently there is a similar conspiracy theory here that lizard people granted Mormons permission to live here.

  4. Well if they do exist I wish cancer upon them

  5. I hope they get the cancer very soon